Here’s a picture of Frostbite One in all its churned-up-mud-road-dust-caked glory right now. (Quinn thought it needed some Batman logos, which is probably correct. Few things can’t gain from the application of a Batman logo.)
It’s basically pointless to drive this thing through a car wash between the months of December and May. You might as well just set fire to a ten-dollar bill.
Frostbite One is a 2005 Dodge Grand Caravan. As a testament to my mostly-shut-in stay-at-home Dad existence until January, I’ve racked up only 94,000 miles on it since we purchased it in late 2005. It’s still in really good shape, though. No major parts failures in over seven years, just the usual wear parts needing replacement. You see a slightly aged minivan that’s still in great condition despite the few nicks and dings here and there. (The dent in the bumper was acquired at South Carolina’s Folly Beach in October 2010, and to date marks the minivan’s only interface with a stationary object.) You see new winter tires, quite a bit of caked-on dirt (again, dirt road), and a really faded oval D sticker above the model name on the trunk lid.
What don’t you see?
Bumper stickers, that’s what.
Despite the Grand Caravan’s substantial, shall we say, posterior, I have not festooned it with any stickers other than that oval D above the model name. Nothing to indicate hobbies, political affiliation, pet causes, or the number and gender breakdown of family members.
I live in New Hampshire, which is fairly libertarian-minded, still largely pro-gun, and really safe when you look at the crime rate statistics. But I routinely have to take Frostbite One out into the surrounding states, and some of them are somewhat less libertarian-minded, to put it mildly.
For example, I own guns and I enjoy shooting, and I have a drawer full of gun brand logo stickers from various purchases and swag events. But I don’t use them on the car because I do not want to drive down to Boston to pick up a friend or go to a con and end up in front of a MA state trooper in a vehicle with New Hampshire plates that is festooned with gun-related stickers (or worse, “From My Cold, Dead Hands” political ones.) I’m a responsible gun owner and follow local laws, but MA has extremely restrictive gun laws that can land people in hot water very quickly. If I go to MA and forget a box of range ammo in my van–or even just fired brass for reloading–I am looking at three years in a MA state prison if said state trooper pulls me over, goes through the van with a very fine comb (because HEY, GUN NUT), and finds so much as a single piece of expended brass.
Then there’s the fact that gun logos or Second Amendment-related stickers on a parked vehicle are practically a glowing neon sign advertising “HEY, THERE MAY BE GUNS IN HERE”, especially in places where the local law stipulates that a licensed gun carrier has to disarm before entering specific places, like a school, day care, public gathering, or restaurant that serves alcohol.
Another concern is the advertising of politically unpopular viewpoints on one’s vehicle, which can be an invitation for property damage by people who don’t appreciate dissenting or “provocative” opinions in their field of view. I have more than one libertarian friend whose Ron Paul sticker was defaced or removed from their cars while they were parked on the grounds of academic institutions, for example. I also know of an incident where a friend’s car was keyed along the side of the door and across the back of the trunk lid where my friend had put an atheist sticker. A lot of people seem to think that some opinions are worthy of immediate fiscal punishment, and the minivan has enough scuffs and dents as it is without some college Trotzkyist or Defender of the Faith adding to that collection with a car key and/or a spray can.
Anyway, that’s why Frostbite One isn’t stickered up like a six-year-old’s My Little Pony birthday party. Hey–there’s a sticker theme that can’t possibly be offensive, or likely to get me a frisking by the side of the Interstate…
I have three (3) stickers on my car (a Honda Civic Hybrid). One with an Eagle, Globe, and Anchor, says, USMC retired. One is a US Flag, and one (in deference to my wife) is a AAA sticker so she can have her tire changed if it ever goes flat. I still have idiots ask “did you ever kill someone?”. I carefully adjust my attitude and explain that in 22 years in the Marine Corps, that was what I was paid to do. I carefully refrain from pointing out that it allowed idiots like them to reproduce…not my proudest moments.
I have one of those Calvin & Hobbes riding in a cardboard box stickers and a Sierra Club hiker sticker (Did I say I’m a mole there?) in the little windows behind the back doors. It helps find the jelly bean car amongst the other jelly beans in the parking lot. Them and the roof rack with the full sized spare tire locked to it.
I’ve been thinking about a license plate frame “I’d rather be competing in HIgh Power at Camp Perry”, which should be sufficiently obscure for the narcissistic hoplophobes in La La land to be safe. Better than advertising the car dealer where I bought the car from the goofball salesman.
A commenter at Tam’s link to this essay mentioned that someone asked about his “Molon Labe” sticker, so he said it was some Greek fraternity.
One American flag on the rear window. I go to Canada regularly, and I want to flaunt it. Otherwise, I don’t even let the dealership put a “Billy-Bob’s Toyota of Centerville” sticker on my cars. I will allow a license plate frame, if I was pleased with my sales experience.
My old Cherokee is still wearing the “I disliked Obama before it was cool to do it!” and “Bend Over here comes the change”…loaned it to a liberal friend of mine who had just moved back from Kalifornia to drive for a year while she got back on her feet…her alternate lifestyle liberal gaia loving friends gave her a lot of crap about it until I invited them to go shooting with me.
Thanks to me, there are now some heavily armed lesbians in central ohio.
I’ve got my Navy & “Proud Parent of a Marine” vinyl on the inside of the back glass, & “Watch Out for Motorcycles” & the JPFO’s “Raise Your Right Hand” decals on the bumper. Not too worried about vandalism or break-in: after all, this is rural TN. I’m soon to add the “Gun Control is NOT Kosher” from the JPFO; may be redundant, but I’m just doing it to make the wrinklies (funny, I’m becoming one) say, “Dang, Beulah, he didn’t look like one o’ them Jewish fellers” when they see my long-haired, mostly Caucasian, multi-tattooed biker ass in the truck (I love my people, but most are unaware that I could very well be Jewish, that not all Jews are Semitic-looking folks).
I live in a town adjacent to Cambridge, MA. It is, to put it delicately, somewhat left of center.
The only reaction I’ve ever had to the stickers on my old truck (e.g. “We support our troops…especially our snipers!”) was one guy tracking me down in a coffee shop, telling me that he was a Ranger before he was in Blackwater, and shaking my hand.
Still, when that truck died, I did not be-sticker the replacement.
Statist! :p
Stealth is good. I quickly learned that after I put a Gadsden Flag sticker on my back window. A day later at work in a parking lot full of NPR listeners, my car was keyed. (I should have seen that coming.) Additionally, I find it remarkable the number of families that willingly broadcast the schools their children the attend, where their children play sports/dance/etc., the names and number of their children.
Don’t you reveal yourself as an anti-EU German nationalist (or at least nostalgist) in exile by using that pre-EU regulation licence plate “D” sticker?
Batman’s as anti-2nd-amendment as anyone can be who owns armed armored vehicles.
I’m with you on the no bumper stickers thing.
The few “stickers” on my truck are magnetic, so I can remove and replace as desired.
Ayuh. Got a dump stikah and that’s about it.
Although if I were to decorate, I’d have fun confusing people with a variety of messages. “I’d rather be contradancing” and “Happiness is a belt-fed weapon” might go well together…..;-)